wulffrick

I love our customers, I really do. But some days we get some strange people in our shop. Here are some gems I’d like to share. 

——

Customer:: Hi… erm… are you a library?

—-

Customer: Excuse me, do you have any signed copies of Shakespeare plays?

Me: Er… do you mean signed by the people who performed the play?

Customer: No, I mean signed by William Shakespeare.

Me: …..*headdesk* 

——

Customer: Hi, I’d like to return this book, please. 

Me: Do you have the receipt?

Customer: Here. 

Me: Erm, you bought this book at Waterstone’s. 

Customer: Yes. 

Me:…. we’re not Waterstone’s. 

Customer: But, you’re a bookshop. 

Me: Yes, but we’re not Waterstone’s. 

Customer: You’re all part of the same chain. 

Me: No, sorry, we’re an independent bookshop. 

Customer: ….

Me: Put it this way, you wouldn’t buy clothes in H&M and take them back to Zara, would you?

Customer: Well, no, because they’re different shops. 

Me: Exactly. 

Customer:… I’d like to speak to your manager. 

——-

Person: Hi, I’m looking for a Mr. Patrick. 

Me: No one of that name works here, sorry. 

Person: But does he live here?

Me:… no one lives here; we’re a bookshop. 

Person: Are you sure?

——-

on the phone

Me: Hello Ripping Yarns.

Customer: Do you have any mohair wool?

Me: Sorry, we’re not a yarns shop, we’re a bookshop.

Customer: You’re called Ripping Yarns.

Me: Yes, that’s ‘yarns’ as in stories.

Customer: Well it’s a stupid name.

Me: It’s a Monty Python reference.

Customer: So you don’t sell wool?

Me: No.

Customer: Hmf. Ridiculous. 

Me: …but we do sell dead parrots.

Customer: What?

Me: Parrots. Dead. Extinct. Expired. Would you like one?

Customer: Erm, no.

Me: Ok, well if you change your mind, do call back.

——-

Customer: Hi, if I buy a book, read it, and bring it back, could I exchange it for another book?

Me: No… because then we wouldn’t make any money. 

Customer: Oh. 

——-

Me: Ok, so with postage that brings your total to £13.05. One second and I’ll get the card machine.”

Customer: No. No, absolutely not. I demand that you charge me £12.99. I will not pay for anything that starts with thirteen. You’re trying to give me bad luck. Now, change it or I will go to a bookshop who doesn’t want me to fall down a hole and die. Ok?

———

Pizza Delivery Man [entering the shop with a large pile of pizzas and seeing me, the only person in the bookshop]: Hi, did you order fifteen pizzas?

——-

Me: Hello, Ripping Yarns Bookshop

Man: Hello, is that Ripping Yarns?

Me: Yes, it is.

Man: Are you there?

Me: How do you mean?

Man: I mean, are you at the shop now?

Me: Erm… yes, you just rang the number for the bookshop and I answered.

——-

Customer: Hello, I’d like a copy of ‘The Water Babies,’ with nice illustrations. But I don’t want to pay a lot of money for it, so could you show me what editions you do have so I can look at them, and then I can go and find one online?

——-

Customer: Do you sell ipod chargers?

——-

Man: Hi, I’ve just self-published my art book. My friends tell me that I’m the new Van Gogh. How many copies of my book would you like to order?

——-

Woman: Hi, my daughter is going to come by on her way home from school to buy a book. But she seems to buy books with sex in them and she’s only twelve, so can I ask you to keep an eye out for her and make sure she doesn’t buy anything inappropriate for her age? I can give you a list of authors she’s allowed to buy. 

Me: With all due respect, would it not be easier for you to come in with your daughter?

Woman: Certainly not. She’s a grown girl, she can do it herself. 

——

Customer: Do you have any books on the dark arts?

Me: …No.

Customer: Do you have any idea where I could find some?

Me: Why don’t you try Knockturn Alley?

Customer: Where’s that?

Me: Oh, the centre of London.

Customer: Thanks, I’ll keep my eyes peeled for it. 

——-

Customer: I’m just going to nip to Tesco to do the weekly shop. I’m just going to leave my sons here, is that ok? They’re three and five. They’re no bother. 

——-

Customer: I read a book in the eighties. I don’t remember the author, or the title. But it was green, and it made me laugh. Do you know which one I mean?

——

Man: Do you have black and white film posters?

Me: Yes, we do, over here.

Man: Do you have any posters of Adolf Hitler?

Me: Pardon?

Man: Adolf Hitler.

Me: Well, he wasn’t a film star, was he.

Man: Yes, he was. He was American. Jewish, I think.

Me: ………..

—-

Customer poking his head through the door: Hi, can I bring my dog inside?

Me: Sure, there’s a sign on the door that says that friendly dogs are allowed. 

Customer: Hmmm. Well, she’s not that friendly; she might bite people. 

Me: …. well then please leave her outside. 

—-

Me: Would you like a bag? We’ve got plastic and paper ones. 

Customer: Well I would have asked for a bag, but you said ‘plastic bag’ not ‘pla[r]stic bag’, so now that you’ve said that I don’t want one. 

Me: I’m not sure people say ‘pla[r]stic bag.’ Also, I’m from Newcastle so I say ‘bath’ not ‘ba[r]th’. 

Customer: Clearly you’re uneducated. 

—-

Customer in America, who ordered a very very old book, then claimed it was in terrible condition [which it wasn’t], sent the book back to us in only a paper bag, with pieces of paper stuck on the pages where there were photographs. The spine was broken, as though she’d put said book on a photocopier, had copied the images and posted it back to us - never intending to keep it in the first place. We reported this to ABE, who gave us the money to repair this book, and refunded her with a warning. We then got several very rude emails with choice phrases such as: 

Customer: ‘You will not forget this transaction. Every time an event goes wrong in your life, you will remember karma… I am a prophet and I bring you this message in the name of Jesus.’

Amazing. And THEN, a few weeks later, we received an A4 envelope stuffed with pamphlets on how to recognise the devil within ourselves. Awesome. 

—-

Customer: Do you have this book *holds up a biography* but without the photographs?

Me: I think the photographs are published alongside the text in every edition. 

Customer: Why?

Me: I suppose so you can see what everyone looked like. 

Customer: I don’t like photographs. 

Me: Ok. 

Customer: Could you cut them out for me?

Me: …….

—-

Customer: Hi, do you have any new books?

Me: We’re an antiquarian bookshop - our stock is out of print books. 

Customer: So other people have touched them?

Me: Presumably, yes. 

Customer: I don’t think I’ll bother, thanks. 

Me: OK.

—-

Customer: I don’t suppose I could have a cup of tea, could I?

Me: Well…erm….

Customer: Thanks, I’m parched. 

Me: Have you seen anything you’d like *indicates bookshelves*

Customer: Oh, I’m not buying. I’m just waiting for my bus.

—-

Customer: Do you have any old porn magazines?

—-

Customer, *inclines her head*: How are you guys doing?

Me: Oh, we’re clinging on. 

Customer: Oh you poor dears, it’s this Kindle!

Me: Well, really, it’s the supermarkets and Oxfam making people think that books aren’t worth paying money for. 

Customer: I hadn’t thought of it like that. It is terrible, isn’t it?

*five minutes later*

Customer: How much is this book? 

Me: That’s £10. 

Customer: Could I have it for £5?

——

Customer: There was a book in the 80s that I loved… but I can’t remember the title.

Me: Can you remember anything about it?

Customer: I think it was called 365 fairy tales.

Me: *searches on wholesaler website* Nothing under that name, sorry.

Customer: I might have got the number wrong. Could you just type in ‘fairy tales’ and see what comes up?

—-

Customer: My dear, there’s a long queue in the post office, and I only want a first class stamp. Do you have one I could buy from you?

Me: No, I’m sorry, I don’t. 

Customer: Well then, perhaps you could go and stand in the queue for me - you’re a lot younger than myself; your legs can handle it. 

Me: I’m afraid not - I’m running this bookshop by myself. 

Customer: I’ll keep an eye on it for you. 

Me: No, I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that; I’d get in a lot of trouble. 

Customer: Well, you’ve been extremely unhelpful *storms out*

—-

Customer: Do you have brown eyes? *peers over at me*

Me: Yes, I do. 

Customer: My mother told me never to trust anyone with brown eyes. 

Me: You have brown eyes. 

Customer: ……….

—-

Customer: Hi there. 

Me: Hi, can I help?

Customer: Yes, I was just admiring your shop sign outside. 

Me: Thank you. 

Customer: It’s really lovely….

Me: Yes.

Customer: … is it for sale?

—

Customer: Hi, I was wondering if I could ask you about a book I’m writing. 

Me: Sure. 

Customer: Well, it’s here *produces ‘book’ - a series of things stuck into an A4 lined pad of paper*

Me: Right, what’s the premise?

Customer: It’s a children’s book. See, I’ve been taking pictures of stuff and my mate has been writing poems to go along side it. 

Me: Ok. Are you a professional photographer?

Customer: No, I’ve just been taking photos of things on my mobile. They’re pretty good though, yeah?

Me: Erm, well they’re a little blurry. 

Customer: Oh, that just makes them characteristic. 

Me: And your friend, has he had poems published elsewhere?

Customer: Nope. 

Me: Ok.. so what’s your next step?

Customer: To get it published. 

Me: What’s your plan?

Customer: Just send it off to publishers. 

Me: Which one?

Customer: Any old one. It ain’t hard, is it? 

Me: With all due respect, it is very hard. 

Customer: Well our mates think it’s fantastic. And I don’t think it can be hard - there are books everywhere these days - just look at this shop!

Me: Yes, but we are a bookshop. 

—

Customer: Do you have any books on star signs?

Me: Yes, our esoteric section is over here. 

Customer: Good. It’s just I really need to check mine - I have this overwhelming feeling that something bad is going to happen. 

—

Customer: I have The Pickwick Papers, 1st edition. How much will you buy them for?

Me: *examines book* Sorry, this was was printed in 1910.

Customer: Yes.

Me: The Pickwick Papers was first printed in 1837; this isn’t a first edition.

Customer: No it was definitely first printed in 1910.

Me: Dickens was dead in 1910.

Customer: I don’t think so. You’re trying to con me. 

Me: I promise you, I’m not. 

Customer: *glares for a while, then picks the book back up quickly* I’m taking them to the Sotheby’s Auction! *storms out*

—

Old Man: Hi do you have books on sex?

Me: I think we have a couple, yes. 

Old Man: Excellent; I’ve had a hip replacement, and I wasn’t sure how long I had to wait, you see. 

Me: Right. 

Old Man: I bet you could look it up on that computer there, though couldn’t you? 

Me: … I suppose I could, if I needed to.

Old Man: Excellent thing, the internet.

—

Customer: You have maps?

Me: Yes, we do. Road maps?

Customer: Yes. 

Me: We have old ones - Ordnance Survey maps, and road maps, here. 

Customer: I need a map to Dover. 

Me: *looks around.* I’m not sure we have a specific South-East map. We have a road map of the UK. 

Customer: No. I walk. 

Me: You’re walking?

Customer: Yes. 

Me: To Dover?

Customer: Yes. 

Me: That’s very very far. 

Customer: It’s five miles, yes?

Me: No. It’s about eighty miles. 

Customer: You point me in the right direction?

Me: I don’t know which way it is from here. 

Customer: Ok. I follow the smell of the sea. 

—

Customer: My children are just climbing your bookshelves. That’s ok, isn’t it? They won’t topple over, will they?

—

Customer: *holding up a Harry Potter book* This doesn’t have anything weird in it… does it?

Me: You mean, like, werewolves?

Customer: No - gays.

Me: …right. 

—

I happen to have EEC Syndrome [ectrodactyly], which means that I don’t have all my fingers & the ones I do have are a little weird. I’m very capable: I have a typing speed of 100wpm, and I took my grade eight piano exam when I was 18. But, sometimes, if customers notice, it provides some er interesting feedback. 

Customer: Oh my. Can you… are you able to dress yourself?

Me: … yes.

Customer: Oh. Good. 

Customer: *nastily* If you can write, can I have a receipt?

Me: If you can read, I’ll write you one. 

Customer: It’s great that, isn’t it?

Me: Sorry, what is?

Customer: You being allowed to have jobs now. 

Me: Excuse me?

Customer: Well, it’s just, I suppose, a long time ago, you’d just have been in freak zoos. 

Me: …… 

Me: Here’s your change. 

Customer: Erm… just put it on the desk. 

Me: Right. 

Customer: You should really warn people about that, you know. It’s not fair. 

Me: A sign, perhaps?

Customer: Well…

—

and this little gem is from my time at The Edinburgh Bookshop

Woman: Hi, where are your copies of Breaking Dawn? I can’t see any on the shelf. 

Me: Sorry, I think we’ve sold out of the Twilight books; we’re waiting on more. 

Woman: What?

Me: We should have some in tomorrow. 

Woman: But. But I need a copy now - I just finished the last one last night. 

Me: I’m sorry, I can’t help you. 

Woman: No, you don’t understand, I’ve taken the whole day off work to read it!

Me: Erm… 

Woman: I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS! NOW!

Me: Erm…

Woman: Can you call your wholesaler and see if they can deliver this afternoon?

Me: They only - 

Woman: And then I can wait here for them. 

Me: I’m sorry, they only deliver in the morning. 

Customer: BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

Me: … we have many other books. 

Customer: *sniff* Do any of those have Robert Pattinson in them?

—

Customer: Do you have a copy of like Mrs. Dalloway, but like really old – so from like 1850?

Me: ………

————-

Dear Sirs, 

I am writing to see if you have any positions available at your bookshop. I really love your shop, and the personalised service I get from you when I’ve been in previously. Your shop is one dear to my heart. 

I have attached my CV. 

Best. 

[an idiot who CC’d this email to every bookshop in North London]. 

—

Customer: Do you have a copy of Jane Eyre?

Me: Actually, I just sold that this morning, sorry!

Customer: Oh. Have you read it?

Me: Yep, it’s one of my favourite books. 

Customer: Oh great *sits down beside me*, could you tell me all about it? I have to write an essay on it by tomorrow. 

—-

Customer: Do you have a nature section? I’m looking for a nature guide, you know, for places to go.

Me: Sure, our nature section is just down here.

Customer: No, sorry, not nature – naturist.

Me: Oh!

—-

Customer: These books are really stupid, aren’t they?

Me: Which ones?

Customer: You know, the ones where cats and mice are best friends. 

Me: I suppose they’re not very realistic, but then that’s fiction. 

Customer: It’s really stupid. 

Me: Well, they use that kind of thing to teach kids about accepting people different to you, you know?

Customer: Yeah, well, books shouldn’t pretend that different people get on like that and everything is la de da and wonderful, should they? Kids should learn that life’s a bitch, and the sooner the better. 

—

Man: *enters bookshop smoking a cigarette*

Me: Excuse me?

Man: Yes?

Me: Could you put that cigarette out, please?

Man: Why?

Me: Because it’s illegal to smoke in a public place. 

Man: This isn’t a public place; there’s only you and me here. 

Me: Yes, but it’s still a public place. And apart from anything else: I’m allergic to cigarette smoke, and this shop is rather flammable. 

Man: Why?

Me: … because it’s filled with paper. 

Man: Is it? 

——

Man: Hi, could you recommend a book for me?

Me: Sure. What kind of thing are you looking for?

Man: Well, I was let out of prison this morning, so something not too heavy would be nice. 

——

Customer: Do you have that book – I forget what it’s called; it’s about people with large, hairy feet. 

Me: Do you mean hobbits? The Lord of the Rings?

Customer: No…. erm – The Hairy Bikers.

——

Customer: Could you recommend a book for my grandson? He’s two. 

Me: Sure, what about this book - ‘I Really Want to Eat a Child’ by Sylviane Donnio? It’s about a little crocodile who really wants to eat a child, but his parents try and make him eat bananas instead. 

Customer: That sounds very violent. 

Me: No, no, it’s amusing; the kids love it. 

Customer: I don’t think it’s a very good message to send to him. 

Me: It won’t make him a cannibal, I promise. 

Customer: I think something with flowers would be better.

—-

Customer: Do you have a copy of 1986?

Me: 1986?

Customer: Yeah, Orwell. 

Me: Oh – 1984. 

Customer: No, I’m sure it’s 1986; I always remember it because it’s the year I was born. 

Me: … 

—-

Customer: Did I leave my bicycle in here?

——

Customer: Hi, do you have that sperm cookbook?

Me: No. 

Customer: That’s a shame; I really wanted to try it. Have you tried it?

Me: I have not. 

—

Customer: Hi there, do you have a copy of ‘Hogwarts: A History’?

—

Customer: *to their friend*: God, the Famous Five titles really were crap, weren’t they? ‘Five Go Camping.’ ‘Five Go Off in a Caravan.’… If it was ‘Five Go Down To a Crack House’ it might be a bit more exciting.

–

Customer: *on noticing Nicola Morgan’s ‘Write to be Published’ advertisement in front of the desk*: A book on how to get published?

Me: Yes. Nicola’s fabulous.

Customer: Is it about self-publishing?

Me: Nicola focuses primarily on mainstream publishing.

Customer: Oh, well I’ve written that kind of book myself.

Me: Have you?

Customer: Yeah. I self-published it. It isn’t selling as well as I thought it would.

–

Phone rings

Me: Hello.

Person: Hi there, can I speak to the manager of the property?

Me: Speaking. How can I help?

Person: I’m calling to see if you’d be interested in stocking some cleaning products in your vicinity.

Me: To sell?

Person: Yes.

Me: We’re a bookshop.

Person: Yes. Could you see yourselves branching out into this area?

Me: Not really, no.

Person: How about I send over a sample of products and you can see how you get on?

Me: No, thank you.

Person: Books and cleaning products work well together.

Me: Do they?

Person: I’m sure we could make this work.

Me: No, thank you.

Person: I think you’re missing out on a very interesting opportunity. Can you think of any other bookshops that might be interested?

–

Customer: Oh wow, this shop is lovely!

Me: Thank you.

Customer: I was in a bakery just like it the other day.

Me: …

–

Customer: Do you bother to arrange your books at all, or are they just plonked places?

Me: They’re in alphabetical order…

Customer: Oh.

–

Customer: Do you stock Nigella Lawson under ‘Sex’ or ‘Cookery’?

Me: It’s a tough call, isn’t it?

–

Customer: Working here must be ever so relaxing.

–

Customer: If I give you these three paperbacks, will you sell them and give the money to charity?

Me: We’re not a charity bookshop.

Customer: Oh. Where on earth does your money go to?

Me: It goes into keeping us in business.

Customer: Oh.

–

Customer: My granddaughter’s looking for a book about Agnes’s knickers.. do you know what I mean?

Me: Agnes’s knickers… Ah! Louise Rennison can be found over here.

[Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging]

—

Customer: *poking her head around the door, glancing at our six by six metre bookshop*: Do you have a cafe in here?

Me: No, I’m afraid we don’t.

Customer: Oh, I was looking for a bookshop with a cafe.

Me: If you want a cup of tea, there’s a cafe four doors down.

Customer: Could I take some books there with me to look through and browse? And then bring them back?

—

Customer: Do you have a book that has a list of aphrodisiacs? I’ve got a date on Friday. 

—

& finally:

Customer: Do you have a book on dinosaurs? My grandson’s really into them.

Me: Absolutely, we have one over here.

Customer: Does it have every type in here?

Me: I believe it’s a very comprehensive collection, yes.

Customer: Great. Does it have a chapter on dragons?

—

Customer:  Do you have any old Elvis CDs?

Me: No, we don’t sell music, sorry. We might have a book on Elvis, though.

Customer: Would any of those come with a life size cut out of him?

Me: I doubt it, no.

 —

Customer: I do find it odd that people manage to make a living out of writing books for children. I’m sure any mother could do it.

Me: Why don’t you try it yourself?

Customer: I always mean to, but I’m very busy right now with my pottery class.

—

Customer: Ok, so you want this book?

Their daughter: Yes!

Customer: Peter Pan?

Their daughter: Yes, please. Because he can fly.

Customer: Yes, he can – he’s very good at flying.

Their daughter: Why can’t I fly?

Customer: Because of evolution, sweetheart.

–

Customer: Do you have a book on how to breathe underwater?

Me: You mean Julie Orringer’s short story collection: ‘How to Breathe Underwater’?

Customer: Is that fact?

Me: No, it’s fiction – the title’s a metaphor.

Customer: … Oh. No. I need a book on how to actually breathe underwater.

—

Customer: Hi

Me: Hi there, how can I help?

Customer: Could you please explain Kindle to me.

Me: Sure. It’s an e-reader, which means you download books and read them on a small hand-held computer.

Customer: Oh ok, I see. So … this Kindle. Are the books on that paperback or hardback?

—

Customer: Do you have any old copies of Dickens?

Me: We’ve got a copy of David Copperfield from 1850 for £100.

Customer: Why is it so expensive if it’s that old?

— 

Customer: Do you have any Robin Hood books where he doesn’t steal from the rich? My husband’s called Robin and I’d like to buy him a book, but he’s a banker, so…

—

Man: *walking around the shop, carrying a plastic bag stuffed with Nike jackets.*

Man *to a customer*: Would you like to buy a Nike jacket?

Customer: Erm, no.

Man: *to another person*: Can I interest you in a Nike jacket? Genuine Nike.

Me: Excuse me, what are you doing?

Man: I was just seeing if anyone would like to buy a jacket.

Me: Please don’t bother my customers.

Man: But it’s a shop … they’re here to buy things.

–

Customer: This book has a couple of tears to some of the pages.

Me: Yes, unfortunately some of the older books haven’t had as much love as they should have done from previous owners.

Customer: So, will you lower the price? It says here it’s £20.

Me: I’m sorry but we take into account the condition of the books when we price them; if that book was in a better condition, it would be worth a lot more than £20.

Customer: Well, you can’t have taken this tear here into account *points to page* or this one here *points to another page* because my son did those two minutes ago.

Me: So, the book is now more damaged than it was before, because of your son?

Customer: Yes. Exactly. So will you lower the price?

—

Customer: If one wanted to steal your most expensive book, where would one look?

—

Customer: Wow, you have a whole bookcase of Enid Blyton?

Me: Yep, we do. Famous Five, Secret Seven, Five Find Outers, Noddy – all of it there.

Customer: I loved the Famous Five when I was younger.

Me: Yes, they were fun.

Customer: I’m so glad you think so. I know that there are a lot of people who say that Anne was stupid and that she shouldn’t have just been doing the ‘girly’ things, and that it was offensive.

Me: Well…

Customer: I think all this political correctness has just gone way too far. I mean, who cares that Enid Blyton openly said that a woman should be the one to do the cooking and the cleaning? So she should.

Me: Well -

Customer:  - and then there are those who complain about the Noddy picture books, you know?

Me: Hmmm.

Customer: Well, I say that a bit of racism never hurt anyone.

Me: …

Customer: Everything in moderation, don’t you agree?

–

Customer: *Drops old, expensive book on the floor by accident*: Great shot!

Me: *glares*

Customer: I mean… sorry.

–

Customer: Oh, look, they’ve got a section on dictionaries. Perhaps we should get your brother one for school, what do you think?

Their daughter: Can we get one for when we go to Scotland for our holidays?

Customer: They speak English in Scotland, too, sweetie.

—

& finally….

Customer *to her friend*: Who wrote the Bible again? I’ve forgotten. 

Her friend:  Jesus.

—

Customer: What kind of bookshop is this?

Me: We’re an antiquarian bookshop. 

Customer: Oh, so you sell books about fish. 

—

Customer: Do you have an easy version of Moonlight Sonata for piano?

Me: We have box of sheet music by the music books section. I’ll have a look.

Customer: Thanks.

Me: Yep. Here’s a Moonlight Sonata for grade two.

Customer: And that’s easy?

Me: Compared to the real thing, yes.

Customer: So, I should be able to play it, yeah?

Me: I don’t know. How long have you been playing?

Customer: Oh, I don’t know how to play, I thought I’d just try.

Me: Right. Can you read sheet music?

Customer: Well… it’s just the alphabet, isn’t it?

—

Customer: Do you have a book on the Enlightenment?

Me: Sure.

Customer: Excellent. My son’s just about to start studying it at school. It’s all about the light bulb being invented, right?

—

Phone rings

Me: Hello, Ripping Yarns bookshop.

Customer: Hello, I’ve got some books I’d like to sell.

Me: Sure. What kinds of books do you have?

Customer: Oh, boxes and boxes of stuff. I’ve got some children’s books, some comics, some old magazines and newspapers, an exercise bike, a couple of art books and some cookery books, too.

Me: What was the one in the middle?

Customer: Erm. Old magazines.

Me: No, the one after that.

Customer: An exercise bike.

Me: Yes… we won’t be wanting the exercise bike.

–

Customer: Can I top up my Oyster card here?

– 

Customer: Do you have security cameras in here?

Me: Yes.

Customer: Oh. *slides book out from inside his jacket pocket and places it back on the shelf*

–

Customer: *holding up a magazine from the sixties* It says on the front cover of this that it’s supposed to come with half a jigsaw puzzle, but you don’t have that. Does that mean I can have the magazine for free?

–

Customer: I’ve got a while before my bus. Are you and any of the other customers interested in playing cards?

—

Customer comes into the shop with her five year old son

Customer: Come on, Alfie, take off your shoes.

Me: It’s ok… you don’t have to take off your shoes to come into the bookshop.

Customer: Don’t encourage him. I’m trying to train him to remember to take his shoes off in the house because we’ve got new carpets. The more he does it, the more he’ll remember.

—

[I facepalmed on behalf of @Neilhimself here]

Customer: You know that film, Coraline?

Me: Yes, indeed.

Customer: My daughter loves it. Are they going to make it into a book?

–

from my time at The Edinburgh Bookshop

Customer: Which was the first Harry Potter book?

Me: The Philosopher’s Stone.

Customer: And the second?

Me: The Chamber of Secrets.

Customer: I’ll take The Chamber of Secrets. I don’t want The Philosopher’s Stone.

Me: Have you already read that one?

Customer: No, but with series of books I always find they take a while to really get going. I don’t want to waste my time with the useless introductory stuff at the beginning.

Me: The story in Harry Potter actually starts right away. Personally, I do recommend that you start with the first book – and it’s very good.

Customer: Are you working on commission?

Me: No.

Customer: Right. How many books are there in total?

Me: Seven.

Customer: Exactly. I’m not going to waste my money on the first book when there are so many others to buy. I’ll take the second one.

Me: If you’re sure.

One week later, the customer returns

Me: Hi, did you want to buy a copy of The Prisoner of Azkaban?

Customer: What’s that?

Me: It’s the book after The Chamber of Secrets.

Customer: Oh, no, definitely not. I found that book far too confusing. I ask you, how are children supposed to understand it if I can’t? I mean, who the heck is that Voldemort guy anyway? No. I’m not going to bother with the rest. 

Me: … right. 

—-

Customer: Is this Hampstead Heath?

Me: No… this is a bookshop. 

–—

Customer: What’s your name?

Me: Jen.

Customer: Hmmm. I don’t like that name. Is it ok if I call you something else?

and that’s it… Jen Campbell is 24, a writer, living in London. she’s currently working in bookselling, and have just finished her first short story collection. 

just a little trivia guys i myself am dreaming of working as a book store manager when i was younger. i sort of thought the fun of reading all day. i’ll surely have a blast.